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29/4/2017 0 Comments Dysphoria AddendumI have never wanted to have kids. I feel very uncomfortable around babies and toddlers. I now feel that this is part of my dysphoria. Since I can't have one myself, being around a partner that would be pregnant I think would have been catastrophic for me. I am sure I would have been a very good father, but that would have been so wrong for all involved that I chose not to have kids. I find it interesting how my brain has adapted to this feeling over the years. I am glad the dysphoria has dissipated.
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29/4/2017 0 Comments Contemplating DysphoriaSince I started listening to Against Me! and watching interviews with Laura Jane Grace, I have been thinking about how gender dysphoria has manifested itself in my life. I am sure I will find more as time goes on, but these are some of them.
When I was in grade school, there was a popular trend of plaid button front shirts that had gold sparkly threads in them for boys. I wanted one so bad, but when I finally got one, I couldn't bring myself to wear it. It was just too girly for me. In junior high school, I wanted a hair cut that was feathered back, like the main character on WKRP. I would have had to grow my hair out and again, I just couldn't do something that girly. In high school, when it was time to get a class ring, I did decide to get my birth stone in it. That was a big jump, since the color was pink. I also had insisted on getting this class pendant thing too, which I did wear. In hindsight, I think both choices were do to my dysphoria. I didn't date until I was in my mid twenties. I have always blamed that on my parents ill preparing me for a relationship, but now I really do think it was the gender dysphoria. I never wanted to be the pursuer, but because of me being a "guy" that was what was expected. It wasn't until I met someone who put herself directly in my path, that I started dating. That same person was also who introduced me to makeup. During my life as a crossdresser, I rarely dressed for more than a few hours at a time. I would be dressed for awhile and suddenly, I would have to change back into boy mode. During those years, I upgraded my breast forms and added various hip pads to help get a realistic shape, but still, after a few hours, it had to all come off. It wasn't until the last couple years that I realized that the forms were a big trigger for my dysphoria. They were not real and no matter how high quality they were, they would never be right. Today, I experience the world as I am. I wear clothes that I think make me look good, my hair is how I want it and I have my own breasts and hips, and even though they are small, they are mine and they are perfect. Here are a few lyrics from Laura Jane Grace that have deeply affected me. The first is from Transgender Dysphoria Blues. You want them to notice, The ragged ends of your summer dress. You want them to see you Like they see every other girl. They just see a faggot. They'll hold their breath not to catch the sick. And this from True Trans Soul Rebel, my new theme song. Does god bless your transsexual heart? True Trans Soul Rebel You should've been a mother You should've been a wife You should've been gone from here years ago You should be living a different life 28/4/2017 0 Comments The Future is openFor the first time in my life I feel like there isn't anything that I can't overcome. I am absolutely the happiest I have ever been. I feel more open and outgoing. I know there will be hard times, but I feel like I will get through them without too much trouble. Physically I feel great too. The new estrogen based operating system has done such wonderful things for me.
27/4/2017 0 Comments It's official!Yesterday I had my hearing and I am now officially Michaela Elizabeth and a girl! My wife went the extra mile and told the judge the origin of my middle name. The Judge declared that it was officially Michaela Elizabeth day! After picking up the court orders, we went to the DMV to update my drivers license. Here I am waiting. Afterwards we went to pick up the cupcakes for our party. I think they were awesome! Sadly I didn't take a picture of all of them. Here are the last three that we took home. So many of my friends were able to show up to celebrate. I think everyone had a good time. I know I did.
26/4/2017 0 Comments The Big Day!Today is the day that I officially become Michaela Elizabeth and a woman! My wife and I have an exciting day planned. Two more hours at work and then we head off to court! We are both pretty excited!
25/4/2017 0 Comments EmotionalToday is my last full day with my birth name and gender. I have been surprised at how emotional I have been over it. I have teared up many times today already and I expect more to come. I am so incredibly happy that it is almost painful. I have been listening to my newly discovered band, Against Me! today and thought about wanting to learn to play and sing either Transgender Dysphoria Blues or True Trans Soul Rebel, but reading the lyrics, I don't think I could do it without balling. This cover of one of my favorite songs by The Replacements is awesome too. The song rattled my soul 20+ years ago when I first heard it. 24/4/2017 0 Comments Old friendsAnd then there were the old friends! Everyone was so happy for me! It was wonderful.
My favorite encounter happened yesterday. One of the sweetest women I have ever met came by the table to talk with me. We had seen each other several times over the weekend but hadn't had a chance to talk. She was so happy for me and told me I was glowing. That was a wonderful finish to the weekend. 23/4/2017 0 Comments New friendsWhile going into the show here in Chicago Friday morning to get set up, I ran into one of the art dealers I met for the first time about 4 years ago. She is from Minneapolis so we have common ground. She is very nice but over the years I have always felt like I was a creepy guy around her. We are Facebook friends so she knew about my transition. When I saw her this year, she lit up and was excited to see me. It was like I had now shifted into being a girlfriend. It was awesome.
That at night I went out to dinner with her and another art dealer and some of their clients. One of them was a woman who has been collecting for a few years and this was her first show. I was wearing my "I Survived Testosterone Poisoning" shirt. She looked at it with a confused expression. We couldn't quite hear each other well enough just then so she was going to ask me about it later. The next day, she did just that. I responded with "I recently switched from a testosterone based operating system to an estrogen based one." "Oh, your trans!" She said. "You make a good woman. I feel like if we lived closer we would be good girlfriends." 21/4/2017 0 Comments Transgender Equity councilI got word today that I did not get a position on the council. They had 71 applicants for 7-8 seats. That was a pretty good turnout. They are holding my application for a year in case there happens to be an opening in the future.
I have mixed feelings about not getting on. I think it would have been great, but there is so much going on right now that I might have been a bit overwhelmed. They are having the swearing in and open house the same day as my name change hearing. I am tempted to go but probably should throw one more thing into what will be a busy day. 21/4/2017 0 Comments SkinI am just noticing today that the skin on my arms is feeling very much softer.
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