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29/4/2017 0 Comments Contemplating DysphoriaSince I started listening to Against Me! and watching interviews with Laura Jane Grace, I have been thinking about how gender dysphoria has manifested itself in my life. I am sure I will find more as time goes on, but these are some of them.
When I was in grade school, there was a popular trend of plaid button front shirts that had gold sparkly threads in them for boys. I wanted one so bad, but when I finally got one, I couldn't bring myself to wear it. It was just too girly for me. In junior high school, I wanted a hair cut that was feathered back, like the main character on WKRP. I would have had to grow my hair out and again, I just couldn't do something that girly. In high school, when it was time to get a class ring, I did decide to get my birth stone in it. That was a big jump, since the color was pink. I also had insisted on getting this class pendant thing too, which I did wear. In hindsight, I think both choices were do to my dysphoria. I didn't date until I was in my mid twenties. I have always blamed that on my parents ill preparing me for a relationship, but now I really do think it was the gender dysphoria. I never wanted to be the pursuer, but because of me being a "guy" that was what was expected. It wasn't until I met someone who put herself directly in my path, that I started dating. That same person was also who introduced me to makeup. During my life as a crossdresser, I rarely dressed for more than a few hours at a time. I would be dressed for awhile and suddenly, I would have to change back into boy mode. During those years, I upgraded my breast forms and added various hip pads to help get a realistic shape, but still, after a few hours, it had to all come off. It wasn't until the last couple years that I realized that the forms were a big trigger for my dysphoria. They were not real and no matter how high quality they were, they would never be right. Today, I experience the world as I am. I wear clothes that I think make me look good, my hair is how I want it and I have my own breasts and hips, and even though they are small, they are mine and they are perfect. Here are a few lyrics from Laura Jane Grace that have deeply affected me. The first is from Transgender Dysphoria Blues. You want them to notice, The ragged ends of your summer dress. You want them to see you Like they see every other girl. They just see a faggot. They'll hold their breath not to catch the sick. And this from True Trans Soul Rebel, my new theme song. Does god bless your transsexual heart? True Trans Soul Rebel You should've been a mother You should've been a wife You should've been gone from here years ago You should be living a different life
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