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19/9/2020 0 Comments StunnedLast night I had an experience that was more intense than anything I have ever had in my life.
I was out for a long late night walk, talking to my girlfriend on the phone. Yeah, I guess I have a girlfriend. During the talk, she started to describe in great detail of making love. I was listening, and walking and talking along with her lead. As things were heating up, I found a bench to sit on so I could let her words flow over me. When she got to talking about touching my vagina, I started to feel my emotions rise. Gradually, it got more and more intense and I started crying uncontrollably. I so wanted to be held tightly by her. To melt in her arms. I have never felt that I was attractive to another person in my life. Here I am in this relationship that has changed me and made me so happy.
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9/8/2020 1 Comment An interview i did...27/7/2020 0 Comments Our Little GirlFriday afternoon, shortly after I got home from work, I found our little girl, Opal, in severe distress. I moved her into a cooler part of the house and tried to soothe her, but things didn’t look good. I quickly called the vet and we started to head out to get her help. By the time we got her into the carrier and put to the car, she was gone. It was likely her severe asthma and steroid treatment that brought about the end. Earlier in the day, she seemed fine. We miss her so much, but can take some comfort in that she is with the love of her life, Kitaro. They both passed away at 8.
25/6/2020 0 Comments ConsultationThis week, I talked with the new gender care coordinator at my insurance company about a few things I was curious about, one of which is a procedure I’ve wanted to do for awhile now.
The information that I had on my plan had liposuction listed under other surgical procedure that were available. My information was about 4 years old, so he was able to send my the most up to date policy. Sadly, it was no longer listed. I had hoped to have it done to define my waist and then use that fat to add to my hips and breasts. So, that was the bad news, the good news is that lipofilling IS covered for breast augmentation! And since they need to get the fat from somewhere, I can at least get my waistline trimmed down! So that’s a win win! Sure, it would be nice to add some cushion to my hips and thighs, but I have a pretty good figure as it is. It took me some digging to find a surgeon that does the procedure AND takes insurance, but I found one and I have a consultation with her on August 12th! I’ve been away from the studio for a few months now, but painting has still been happening. It’s mostly been on small paintings, but Venus did bring me my paints so I could finish the piece I was almost finished with. Here is a couple of the paintings. We have plans to start going to the studio again soon. I am looking forward to that.
10/4/2020 0 Comments 15 Months today!Today marks 15 months since I had my surgery! I still can’t believe it! I have sheltering in place for about 3 weeks or so and will continue for awhile more. I’ve been using my more relaxed mornings to spend extra time working on dilating. I had dropped back on the larger size I had because it was pretty uncomfortable when I still had the granulation tissue. Now that it is gone, I wanted to get back to where I was and then some. I have a toy I’ve wanted to use, but it is on the big size. I am happy to report that I can now use it! I am scheduled to have a revision surgery on May 29th. So far it hasn’t been canceled. I really hope it happens. With being at home, I haven’t been able to get to the studio to paint. A few weeks ago, we started doing a virtual painting night and so I am using supplies I have at the house. I decided I wanted to do a painting of my bits both before and after revision. I think I finished the before a couple days ago and this is a pretty accurate look at what my junk looks like now. As you can see here, it looks pretty good, but it is a bit “V” shaped. The revision will pull the top together giving it a more lenticular appearance.
17/3/2020 0 Comments March 17th, 2020Ever since I had surgery, I have been very diligent about my dilating regime. Short of one or two sessions early on, when I was dealing with recovery issues, I haven't missed a session. Since I hit the 1 year mark, I had I had backed off to dilating every third day. I had also cut back to just my mid sized dilator, since I was feeling like I was having tearing with what remained of my granulation tissue.
Well, now that the granulation tissue has gone away, I wanted to get back to where I was, size wise. I was having a horrible time trying to go up a size with the dilator, so I ended up ordering one of the rigid dilators from Soul Source. They had one that was between the two I had. I also decided to go back to dilating once a day, since it was a struggle to get even the mid sized one in on the every three day schedule. The rigid dilator worked great! I love the extra length and the tapered tip. I was easily able to upsize to it. A few days later, I decided to try my large silicone and managed to get it in. I didn't quite get the depth I had had originally with it, but the second day I did manage it! Tomorrow I will be getting the largest of the rigid dilators. I am really looking forward to using that one, since it is about the same size as my thrusting vibrator that I spent a ton of money on, but really haven't been able to use. 14/2/2020 0 Comments PaintingA couple months ago, Venus and I started having weekly painting nights at her studio. I haven’t really painted in something like 30 years. I was unsure if I could do it anymore, so I decided to do a self portrait as a starting point. Well, that first painting turned out better than I had hoped! I really could squish paint around in something of a pleasing manner. As I was closing in on finishing the first painting, I started thinking about what I wanted to do for the next one. I decided I wanted to work with some of my old compositional methods of layering items on the canvas, but what? I remembered a linocut I had done years ago, so went and found the block in the garage. I don’t actually have one of the prints, so I did a rubbing. At first, I was sad to see that the composition was so similar to the first painting, but then it dawned on me that this was in fact a pre transition self portrait! It has the body I so desperately wanted, along with my harpoon and “sperm” whale. That sold it. This was the basis for the next painting. I haven’t quite finished it yet, but it’s close. So what to do next? It was time for a bigger canvas. 3 foot square this time. And it’s another self portrait, this one is titled “She Who is Like God.” I am hoping in a couple years to have a body of work for a gallery show.
14/2/2020 0 Comments DreamsLast night was a first.
I am someone that rarely remembers having dreams, let alone the content of those dreams. Part of me thinks this might have to do with the disturbing nature of my dreams, but honestly, I don’t really know. I do know that when I first went through puberty, wet dreams were something that I absolutely hated. I actually trained myself to wake up from them. This has carried through to my post transition life. I will be having a sexy, Funtime dream and as the climax approaches, I wake up. Those dreams have also had me with my pre surgery equipment. Well, last night was different. I had gone to bed early, since I am recovering from a bad cold. I had been asleep for maybe half an hour when I realized I was approaching orgasm. Instead of forcing myself awake, I let that pleasure flow through me. It cascaded through my body with an intensity I haven’t felt in quite awhile. Afterwards, I did wake up. Smiling to myself, I snuggled back into the covers with the memory of that etched in my mind. 29/1/2020 0 Comments DilatingI wrote this piece with the intention of using it in a Zine, but earlier in the month, I did it as a spoken word thing at a poetry event. It was very well received and there was only one other trans person in attendance!
The alarm goes off. Is it really 5:00am already? I roll over and hug my wife before scooting myself off the end of the bed. My side of the bed is against the wall. I stumble into the living room, turn on the lights and TV. The night before, I had spread a blanket on the floor, put a couple pillows up against the couch, placed a folded towel next to the pillows and positioned a larger pillow on the other side of the blanket. All was ready for me when I finished in the bathroom. I flicked on the light and exhaust fan as I closed the bathroom door. I liked to pee with the fan on. It gave me a sense of privacy. When I was done, I brushed my teeth. I stumbled across a toothbrush that was battery operated. When I bought it, I chose it because of the handle design. It wan't until I had used it awhile that I accidentally pressed the on switch I didn't know existed. It vibrated away. I love vibrations. Most of my meds I take at night, leaving my blood pressure pill for the morning. It was already a small pill and I take just half of one. It is just enough to keep my pressure in the happy zone. Finally, I fill the sink with warm water so that I can shave. God, I hate shaving. I have heated it since I went through the wrong puberty 40 some years ago. As the sink fills, I go to the cupboard and grab the two silicone dilators and a bottle of lube and place them in the warm water. They will warm up while I shave. I drain the sink and rinse the residue away, then start to refill the sink. As it fills, I strip off my bottom layers and head to the kitchen to grab 2 paper towels. I wash the small dilator, feeling the bits of facial hair that clings to it fall away. I dry it with one of the paper towels, which I leave wrapped around it and then repeat with the larger dilator. The lube, I simple rinse and dry. I grab the clean things and head back to the living room, turning off the fan as I leave the bathroom. I set the lube down on the right side of the table, just behind my phone. I take the towel off the smaller dilator and spread it out on the left side of the table, placing the dilator next to my phone. I spread the towel from the large dilator next to the first towel and place the dilator behind the first one. Sitting down on the blanket, I find a comfortable position against the pillows. I place a large dollop of lube on the smaller dilator, spreading it along the shaft. I then spread my legs and place the tip of it at my vaginal opening. Slowly, I let it slide inside me. The feeling of having it inside me is both utilitarian and exciting. It is the one sensation that I have missed my entire life. It is liberating. I am finally myself. "Hey Siri! Start a timer for 5 minutes." I watch the news and pet whatever cats have come over to be with me while I wait. When the alarm goes off, I lube up the larger dilator, extract the smaller one, placing it on end on a paper towel. The larger dilator usually takes a bit more time to get in. I can feel it struggle against the sides of my vagina as it slowly reaches my 5 and a half inches of depth. "Hey Siri, start a timer for 10 minutes." When the alarm goes off, I remove the dilator, get up and head back to the bathroom with all my things. I wash, dry and put them away. This is my life. |
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