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29/1/2020 0 Comments DilatingI wrote this piece with the intention of using it in a Zine, but earlier in the month, I did it as a spoken word thing at a poetry event. It was very well received and there was only one other trans person in attendance!
The alarm goes off. Is it really 5:00am already? I roll over and hug my wife before scooting myself off the end of the bed. My side of the bed is against the wall. I stumble into the living room, turn on the lights and TV. The night before, I had spread a blanket on the floor, put a couple pillows up against the couch, placed a folded towel next to the pillows and positioned a larger pillow on the other side of the blanket. All was ready for me when I finished in the bathroom. I flicked on the light and exhaust fan as I closed the bathroom door. I liked to pee with the fan on. It gave me a sense of privacy. When I was done, I brushed my teeth. I stumbled across a toothbrush that was battery operated. When I bought it, I chose it because of the handle design. It wan't until I had used it awhile that I accidentally pressed the on switch I didn't know existed. It vibrated away. I love vibrations. Most of my meds I take at night, leaving my blood pressure pill for the morning. It was already a small pill and I take just half of one. It is just enough to keep my pressure in the happy zone. Finally, I fill the sink with warm water so that I can shave. God, I hate shaving. I have heated it since I went through the wrong puberty 40 some years ago. As the sink fills, I go to the cupboard and grab the two silicone dilators and a bottle of lube and place them in the warm water. They will warm up while I shave. I drain the sink and rinse the residue away, then start to refill the sink. As it fills, I strip off my bottom layers and head to the kitchen to grab 2 paper towels. I wash the small dilator, feeling the bits of facial hair that clings to it fall away. I dry it with one of the paper towels, which I leave wrapped around it and then repeat with the larger dilator. The lube, I simple rinse and dry. I grab the clean things and head back to the living room, turning off the fan as I leave the bathroom. I set the lube down on the right side of the table, just behind my phone. I take the towel off the smaller dilator and spread it out on the left side of the table, placing the dilator next to my phone. I spread the towel from the large dilator next to the first towel and place the dilator behind the first one. Sitting down on the blanket, I find a comfortable position against the pillows. I place a large dollop of lube on the smaller dilator, spreading it along the shaft. I then spread my legs and place the tip of it at my vaginal opening. Slowly, I let it slide inside me. The feeling of having it inside me is both utilitarian and exciting. It is the one sensation that I have missed my entire life. It is liberating. I am finally myself. "Hey Siri! Start a timer for 5 minutes." I watch the news and pet whatever cats have come over to be with me while I wait. When the alarm goes off, I lube up the larger dilator, extract the smaller one, placing it on end on a paper towel. The larger dilator usually takes a bit more time to get in. I can feel it struggle against the sides of my vagina as it slowly reaches my 5 and a half inches of depth. "Hey Siri, start a timer for 10 minutes." When the alarm goes off, I remove the dilator, get up and head back to the bathroom with all my things. I wash, dry and put them away. This is my life.
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